As predicted, they “Did me Ugly”.

I am still having flashbacks about my Stag Do. People are still showing me pictures – who ever thought of putting a camera in a mobile phone should be flogged!

We all met at Newbury Rugby Club at about 12:30. On arrival, the lady on reception gave me a sympathetic “you poor thing” look. I entered the room to a loud cheer. Adam and Neale had prepared the room for what was to come, decorating the table and walls with pictures etc announcing the “Do me Ugly Tour”, they even did a Tee Shirt for me – how kind!!

The Tour rules were very simple:

  1. You can only drink left handed
  2. You cannot point
  3. You cannot say drink

Sounds easy eh? Yeh right! Everytime you broke one of the rules, you got a yellow card, if you got 2 yellows, you got a red card and had to pick a forfeit from the bag. These ranged from drink a shot, down in one, streak across the pitch at half time and wear the dreaded “Apron of Doom”.

As we started, everybody was so keen to stitch each other up that the most common rule default was somebody shouting to the ref and pointing “He just said drink”, which obviously backfired and meant you had a red card and forfeit – how silly!

Richard Pennington was first to fall victim of the “Apron of Doom”. This was basically a woman shaped apron etc – I say no more. He had to continue to wear this until somebody else picked that forfeit and he seemed to wear it an awful long time.

One very funny part of the day was when a partner from Charles Lucas Marshall came over to find out what was going on. The poor soul got a red card almost immediately and picked the Apron of Doom as a forfeit! We did have some fun with him! I think he learnt his lesson.

Ivan, the rat man, really wound me up about a dwarf stripper that had been arranged – In my highly suggestible state, I actually believed him – just you wait mate, this is not forgotten!

One change to the rules was that my Dad was allowed to pass his forfeits to me or my brother, so thanks Dad for stitching me up a few times.

I discovered later that there was a plan to get me to kick a few goals at half time to add to my humiliation, but luckily the Club didn’t let this happen.

As it happened, I didn’t see any of the rugby, nor did many of the others. The bar staff know how to pour a Springbokkie now as they seemed to spend most of the afternoon doing it. A big thanks to David Smith and the bar staff who took everything in great spirit. Thinking about it now, going to a Rugby Club for a stag do is a bit suicidal really – lesson learnt from me.

Anyway, we all staggered off to the Nags Head – I was very thankful of the long walk and fresh air (and to Richard Bennett for propping me up on the walk down). This part of the evening is the most blurred, but I do remember buying the whole pub a drink which cost a small fortune – I must have been doomed as normally getting a drink out of me is difficult to say the least.

Why is it you want to eat an Indian when drunk? Anyway we crossed over to the Indigo Bay – I cant remember much about this only that Bill my future Brother in Law fell asleep in the loo for 1/2 hour until being finally evicted. He was meant to be looking after me but was in a bad way. Apparently he did this a the rugby club too so I was told after. Also, Adam went very pale, stood up and said he needed to go home and walked out. Adam had a “down in one” forfeit on a pint of cider which nailed him. Neale seemed to be the most sober, the Babycham obviously had worn off by now!

The rest of the evening is a bit unclear – we did go to Gordons but I ended up home thanks to my Cousin Paul’s wife Cathy. Bill passed out, I talked rubbish to the misses for an hour non-stop then passed out too.

Sunday Morning was painful, in fact Sunday was painful.

I cant wait to get to South Africa for my African Stag do……the day before our wedding – oh God!

BIG Thanks to Adam & Neale for sorting the event, all those that made it, the Rugby Club, The Indigo Bay and The Nags Head. Also sincere apologies to all persons offended and abused during the event.

I am on a quest to find any photos of this event – please email them to me on